The Psychological Impact of Micro-Cheating
For the women (or men) who experienced being micro-cheated, it is recommended to choose yourself first, love yourself, and know that you deserve to be loved.
The Impact of Micro-Cheating and Betrayal in Relationships
In today’s digital age, relationships are more complex than ever, and new terms such as "micro-cheating" have emerged to describe subtle forms of infidelity. Micro-cheating refers to small, seemingly innocent behaviors that blur the lines between friendliness and flirtation. These behaviors can include liking someone’s social media posts excessively, sending private messages to someone outside the relationship, or having secretive emotional connections with others. While these actions may seem harmless to some, the cumulative effect of micro-cheating can lead to a breach of trust, emotional betrayal, and the potential breakdown of a relationship.
Emotional Consequences of Micro-Cheating
Micro-cheating, by its very nature, operates in a gray area. It often involves actions that aren't overtly classified as infidelity, yet still create discomfort and suspicion within a committed relationship. The subtlety of these actions can cause partners to question their feelings, intentions, and boundaries. Over time, repeated instances of micro-cheating can erode the foundation of trust, which is vital for any healthy relationship. One of the most damaging consequences of micro-cheating is emotional betrayal. Even if physical boundaries remain intact, micro-cheating may cause one partner to feel emotionally neglected or replaced.
Micro-cheating can have significant emotional and psychological effects on the person being cheated on. While the acts themselves may seem small or insignificant, the accumulation of these behaviors can deeply hurt the affected partner. Here are examples of how micro-cheating impacts the person experiencing the betrayal:
1. Erosion of Self-Esteem
When a partner engages in micro-cheating, it often leaves the other partner questioning their own worth. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and lower self-esteem, as the affected partner may start to feel as though they are not attractive, interesting, or worthy enough to keep their partner's attention.
Example: Efrain is in his mid-fifties, he maintained a number of women in their mid-thirties as his friends. He calls these women his angels. In the Filipino language, he sometimes calls these ladies his “tropa.” He usually says that ladies like him very much. However, he also says he will not and never did enter into a relationship with these women, they are just friends. Efrain just wants to have fun. His unusual relations with young women is no secret to Maria, his girlfriend. Everyone liked Efrain, he portrayed a person who is very kind and very friendly. Hence, Maria took Efrain’s friendliness as just that, being too friendly. However, when she witnessed how Ana flirted with Efrain, even when she was around; When Maria felt how Efrain took an unusual fondness to Yohanna, dangerously close to wooing her, Maria saw how they are different as compared to her. They are young and fun, and Efrain cannot hide how ecstatic he is in their presence. Maria is old, quiet and has a very serious demeanor. Maria sometimes asked herself why Efrain would want her when she has a very serious perspective in life, especially when it is apparent that all that Efrain wants is to have fun. Maria attempted to adjust, and change. However, catching up with Efrain’s ladies demeanor became an unending competition for Maria, a competition that she can never win.
2. Increased Anxiety and Paranoia
Micro-cheating can cause the affected partner to become anxious and constantly worried about the state of their relationship. The secrecy or ambiguous nature of the micro-cheating behavior can make them feel uneasy, as they struggle to distinguish between what’s considered innocent or inappropriate. This can lead to overthinking, second-guessing, and obsessing over their partner's actions.
Example: Not so long after Efrain said he stopped communicating with Yohanna, he met Paz. In a matter of less than a week after meeting Paz, she is already included among Efrain’s angels. In less than a week, she also became Efrain’s Facebook friend. There is nothing wrong with having a friend on social media. However, Maria is already on guard, after what she saw (and felt) about the unusual connection between Efrain and Yohanna. Furthermore, Maria cannot help recalling her friend's request to Efrain when they were in the early stage of their relationship. Efrain ignored Maria’s friend request. When one month passed that Efrain was not accepting the request, Maria retracted her intent to include Efrain among her Facebook friends. It was only when Maria called Efrain’s attention on his refusal to include Maria among his Facebook friend’s lists that Efrain told her to make another request so he can confirm. She cannot help but to compare the current situation with Paz. Here is this woman he met only days ago, and yet when she sent the friend request, it was confirmed in days. She is the girlfriend, but it took months before he acknowledged her request. Added to that, Efrain has been liking all of Paz’s posts. But Efrain takes an interval of weeks before he reacts to Maria’s post. Maria developed a paranoia that she sees Paz as another Yohanna. She went as far as befriending Paz and confirmed from her if Efrain was chatting with her as well. Maria started to struggle distinguishing the innocent gesture from the inappropriate. Even with Efrain’s statement that Yohanna is not in the picture anymore, Maria is already second-guessing, unable to identify which is truly innocent, and which is an act that makes her look like a moron.
3. Loss of Trust
Trust is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, and micro-cheating can erode that trust over time. Even if the cheating partner insists that their actions are harmless, the secrecy and the flirtation involved can make the other partner feel deceived. Once trust is broken, it can be difficult to restore, and the relationship may suffer from ongoing suspicion and doubt.
Maria’s trust dissipates, until the time that there was no trust left in her. She did not even notice exactly when it vanished. She just knew that with Efrain’s undying affection for Yohanna while in a relationship with her, he saw Efrain as just another old man, not different from the other men you have to watch out for. One situation when she realized that her trust vanished was the night when she woke up at 4:00 am and Efrain was not sleeping beside her in bed. She found herself alone in his room. Realizing that Efrain was not inside the house, he attempted to look for him outside. That was when he entered the house, holding a cup of coffee. When she asked where he went, he said he got himself a cup of coffee from the nearby convenience store. Maria had an unspoken question; Efrain has a coffee in his house. In fact, he did not drink from the coffee machines. He said he prefers to make his own. He also had hot water. Why risk going out on wee hours to get a coffee when he already has one inside his house? When Efrain said he was just sight-seeing outside his house, Maria offered to accompany him the next time, so they could do the sightseeing together. That would be good bonding, after all. After that night, Efrain stopped going out at 4:00 am every time he asked Maria to accompany him at night. For Maria, that is a queue that Efrain does not want her to accompany him in his every day rendezvous at 4:00 am. At the back of her mind, she cannot help but to suspect that Efrain might be seeing another woman at 4:00 a.m. She had seen how Efrain was with Yohanna, and he showed that he will do everything for her. He can even lend huge amount of money (thousands) to anyone upon the request of Yohanna, unmindful when the payment will be returned back to him. He will come running on every query of Yohanna, he even answers in less that a minute. He sees to it that Yohanna reaches her home safe every day. He can care less for Maria, but will not allow any possible harm to be near Yohanna’s way. If he was able to do that for one woman in the past, what is the probability that he will not do it again? If Efrain already micro-cheated once, what will stop him from cheating now? If he is not hiding anything, why would he not want Maria to accompany him in his rendezvous in the morning? Who sight-see at wee hours in the morning, especially when there is no recreational park nearby? As months passes by, Maria is seeing more reasons not to trust Efrain.
4. Emotional Distance
Micro-cheating can lead to a growing emotional distance between partners. When one partner invests emotional energy outside of the relationship, the person being cheated on may feel neglected or abandoned. This creates a rift in the intimacy of the relationship, leaving the affected partner feeling lonely, disconnected, and emotionally unfulfilled.
Maria already felt abandoned, and a rift has started to show since the day she saw how important Yohanna was in Efrain’s life. She even told Efrain that he cannot live without Yohanna, on which he denied. Gradually, Maria started to be emotionally withdrawn. Maria will not say “Good morning” unless Efrain greeted her. She seldom told Efrain where she was, when before Yohanna entered the picture, it has been Maria’s habit to inform Efrain if she is going out. There was a time when Efrain told Maria that he will not leave her, and Maria’s response was “It is okay if you will leave me, just tell me if you do not like to continue anymore and you are free to go. I just hope that you will be happy and okay.” Maria still loved Efrain. In fact, she planned to start a business with Efrain, especially when he learned that Efrain has an illness. She thought that if Efrain will really have her as his wife, she would like to be able to support him with his condition, emotionally and financially. However, despite being in love, she is not optimistic. She is not sure anymore of Efrain’s intentions for her. So, while she is still in the relationship, she has an undeniable emotional distance from him. The distance was very apparent during the last month of their relationship.
5. Resentment and Anger
Over time, the accumulation of micro-cheating behaviors can lead to deep feelings of resentment and anger. The partner who feels betrayed may harbor negative feelings toward their significant other, which can eventually explode in arguments, conflicts, or passive-aggressive behavior. Unresolved, this resentment can make the relationship toxic or even lead to its breakdown.
Resentment has already found its way to Maria’s heart. An anger slowly built inside her. When they broke-up, Maria picked up the pieces, not of a broken heart, but of a broken self-value. She did not miss Efrain, nor had she wished to have him back. All she could think of was resentment because she allowed herself to be treated like a worthless woman. Her memory was filled with how Efrain chose Yohanna over her numerous times, and how he even blamed her for reacting to his disrespect; Maria thought how Efrain dismissed her concerns; how he got irritated every time Maria asked if he loves her; Maria cannot shake-off the image of Efrain talking negatively about her in front of her women friends. She wonders, “Was it just with Yohanna? or was it also with Anna? How many more of her women friends had he planted a negative image of her?
Maria also remembered Efrain's words, like “You are jealous because you think very low of yourself”. To Maria, that was equivalent to “You are worthless”. She remembered when he told her that if they separate, she will find a man who will surely just hurt her, and he will laugh so hard at her misery. He remembered when he laughed at her when she attempted to change for him, saying “You wanted to be more beautiful because of me” and laughed as if it was funny and silly. He remembered when he said she was lucky to have him. All that Maria felt was resentment. Her struggle was not of a broken heart, her struggle was bringing her old self back, and blaming herself for allowing a man to devalue her, again. She learned a lesson, a lesson expressed by Ana Taylor, “Love yourself enough to set boundaries. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.
Due to anxiety brought about by the relationship, Maria experienced three incidents of hypertensive attacks, all nearing a stroke. Before the relationship, Maria immediately recovers after a hypertensive attack. During the relationship, she experiences a continuous throbbing head pain for one full week even after her blood pressure went back to its normal state. After the relationship, she felt a heavy load had been lifted, and with no hypertensive attacks so far.
6. Doubt in Future Relationships
Being affected by micro-cheating can have long-lasting effects even after the relationship ends. The emotional damage can create trust issues, making it difficult for the person to fully trust future partners. They may carry the pain and skepticism from the micro-cheating experience into new relationships, fearing betrayal once again.
After the break up, there was a man who attempted to woo her. However, the thought of being close to a man sent chills, she recalled the feeling of being devalued, of a man proudly showing off how other women can be far better than her. She remembered how it felt to compete for him. Maria cringed, and within seconds, he told this man not to pursue her or else.
Micro-cheating may seem like a collection of small actions, but when compounded, it can significantly undermine the trust and emotional security within a relationship. Betrayal in any form, whether emotional or physical, can leave deep scars. The injured partner may begin to doubt not only their relationship but also their own self-worth. Rebuilding trust after such a breach can be a slow and challenging process, and in some cases, the damage may be irreparable.
In conclusion, micro-cheating is as devastating as cheating with physical contact. In most cases, micro-cheating is taken lightly because of the subtleness of the actions. However, compounded actions of micro cheating leads to the breach of trust that can ruin not just the relationship, but the person being micro-cheated. For the women (or men) who experienced being micro-cheated, it is recommended to choose yourself first, love yourself, and know that you deserve to be loved. You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve to receive the love that is pure, without having to compete with anyone else because you are unique and lovable as you are.